Introspection: The Giving Tree

Introspection Series: Volume III

"The Giving Tree"

We are all(or at least those of us who have had a decent childhood) familiar with the Shel Silverstein book by the same title. I personally must have read it a thousand times. No literally the first copy I owned was read until disintegration. I gave myself to that book until it just couldn't take it anymore and fell apart under the weight of my voracity. I don't remember at what age exactly I initially read the book but I am certain that upon completing it I had just read my own biography as told to me by Mr. Silverstein. See I like the tree in the book had a thing for giving. Now as a young person, or as a very emotionally driven person you may see the actions of the tree as loving and caring and generous. I would agree with you 100% on these points, however after deeper examination of the story I realize the scary self destructive potential that this particular level of giving possesses. To the degree that it could be a fault. It is a fine line to walk. On that one may find is increasingly unclear, as the journey continues. See in the book, all the tree wanted to do was be loved back, and so it gave of itself because it loved and desired reciprocity. This is an entirely different conversation(and possibly blog post) in itself, if we try to determine if gestures of love are merely attempts to receive reciprocated affection. In the interest of time and space, lets move on. The previous theory was a very common one about me however I can honestly say that my motivation for my giving nature is not such. There is something about me that just hates to see those around me without. I have a tendency to give and give of myself until, I have nothing left for me. For a long time this was very self destructive. Most recently so in the last serious relationship I was in. It is never a good mix for a person that is needy to be with a person that is giving. It is a toxic symbiosis for both parties involved. I would do and do and do some more. For her, her family, her friends until I burned out. I got to a point where I felt taken advantage of and began to refuse. something that was alien to me. These out of character actions would not last long though as I quickly fell back into to my traditional role of giver. It became unhealthy and it was obvious to everyone around me, save for myself. I had to have a true awakening, and come to the realization that though I wanted to give her the world I could not at the expense of well....my world. Needless to say I had to re evaluate and reset. We wound up broken up. It was at this point that I approached giving with a new attitude. I still desired to give everyone I loved everything they ever wanted but, I realized that I needed to put myself in a better position to do so. I could not just wallow in the mire of my situation. I had to use my desire to give as a motivational tool. I must better myself, and put myself in a better position to give. I had to realize that those who I care about(and who care for me) have a strong desire to see me succeed, and have personal happiness. I had to learn to be concerned with self and strive for personal gain(to a degree at least). I still have a tendency every once in a while to over extend myself in an attempt to give to another but I am no longer hypnotically controlled by these desires. I unlike the tree have learned to give of myself without destroying myself in the process. In the end, It is ME that my loved ones truly desire....

Salaam

And the tree was happy

Introspection: Transparency

Introspection Series: Volume II

Transparency

I have always been a fan of superheros. The lore, the mythology, the power were all so attractive to me. I loved finding out that the Flash was so fast he could vibrate the molecules of his body through solid matter.I was awestruck when I found out that the Green Lanterns ring has enough power to create an energy field the size of our galaxy, that the Silver Surfer can manipulate all forms of matter, that Jean Gray could simultaneously control the minds of every human on the planet that was not either a telepath or trained to defend against them. However with all the comics I read, and all the shows I watched there were always two superpowers that stood out as supreme to me. See the issue with great power is that the responsibility can be an oppressive burden. These two powers on the other hand at least in my mind represent pure, unbridled freedom. They are flying and invisibility. There are no limitations if you are not restricted by gravity, or can not be seen by the naked(or assisted) eye.

I've had to accept that God intended for man to fly(unassisted) he would have molded wings from the clay he formed us with. So that one is out of the picture however the science community is currently developing the technology to allow human beings to be invisible to surveillance equipment through the technology of light refraction suits. The wearers body would bend light around it making it impossible for any lens to pick it up. What I am trying to achieve is a more organic type of invisibility. I strive to have people be able to purely look straight through me. Absolute transparency is the goal.

Now I'm sure you may be wondering how is this possible(and perhaps even what this post is really about) for a human being, even if their parents are glass makers. Well the truest form of organic transparency is honesty. There in as the bard would say lies the "rub". You see I had this habit that kept me from maintaining transparency. I was a habitual liar. Now some folks are subconscious fibbers, and they may not realize they have spoken an untruth. Some are habitual liars ad know it as well as those they have a habit of lying to because most habitual liars are bad at it. I on the other hand was no ordinary falsifier. I was Mickey Mouse as The Sorcerer's Apprentice in Fantasia. I could literally recreate reality. I lied so often and so well that I may have actually caused some sort of rift in the time space continuum and altered the course of people's lives. I knew I had a problem, I knew I needed to stop, but when you are good at something, I mean like truly gifted(I was the Michael Jordan of lying) at it, trying to give it up can be as futile as asking water to no longer be wet. My father said of me once "He says things so convincingly because he makes himself believe them, and you have no choice but to follow suit." It was a sad but true commentary of me. During a period of deep reflection I came to realize that the majority of my lying came from a dissatisfaction with self. I have had serious self image issues probably since the entrance of child number 2 in the extended family. I had 4 years of spoiling where there were no other children around to distract from me, but with the birth of each new child(sibling and cousins) I felt like the love for me was dwindling and I was no longer special. I decided I would start to create a new me, a projection of who I thought people would want to see. No one saw me anymore, at least not the real me. They saw the me I had manufactured for them. A me that could manipulate them into loving me, a me that needed to manipulate himself into loving me. Love of self is a journey in my mind one that I started late, not because of upbringing, or lack of nurture as that was ever present, but because of poor self image and insecurity. I had to do something for I feared I would lose myself, and never have any Identity. I think back to the words of a young woman I have always admired. She was my college queen my freshman year and she told me once after witnessing me host an event and pander to the crowds desire to see "Host ID" that I knew who I was, who I wanted and needed to be, and that I should not allow people to dictate who I would be for them. Those words got buried deep within me in 2004 and would not sprout until maybe 2008 when I realized the validity in them. Since then I have striven to do nothing more than that. I no longer needed my lies because I was finally starting to love the me that I truly was. I apologize if you met me in a time when I did not know and love myself, and thus were exposed to my fallacious deceit. I apologize if I have not made amends with you if you stuck around long enough for me to change but were still unaware of my past misdeeds. Finally I apologize to every person I have mislead, hurt, betrayed, let down, or damaged with my lies, I long for retribution, and reparation if you will have it. I greet the day now with a renewed spirit and love of myself, overjoyed at the relief of this burden.

Salaam Tashakor

This is the look I'm going for. I know the tie is not my style but otherwise this is what I want you to see when you look at me.

Introspection: Effortless

Introspection Series:

One thing that the past year has taught me(9/4/2009 - Present) is that introspection is the most powerful, and yet the most difficult to use tool for personal betterment. I have learned through many long sleepless night, that looking in on myself was the best way to improve myself. Not only looking in on my self, but looking in with the lens of certain(trusted and respected) outside sources. Then accepting and addressing the things I saw there. It has been(and still is) a long tedious, and at times painful process. The thing that continues to inspire though is the though that much like fine metallic ores, this refining process will see me enhanced upon its completion. I am sharing it with you as a form of personal therapy....enjoy the ride. Tashakor

Effortless

adj. Calling for, requiring, or showing little or no effort.

My entire life has been dictated by one statement made by a substitute teacher in my 3rd grade class. "Ian is the smartest student I have ever seen, If only he would try he would could accomplish anything." This statement has been the unfortunate truth about me for a very long time. At age 6 I had my IQ tested and recorded to be 180(here's what that means), in the 2nd grade I was tested gifted, and after High School graduation I applied and was tentatively accepted into Mensa (full admittance was predicated on passing a test interview, the nearest interviewer to me at the time was in San Juan, Puerto Rico...) bordering on sounding arrogant, not a lot was challenging to me in regards to education. This to most would be the formula for sure success, however I(to my eternal regret) chose a less poignant stance. Instead of putting forth the necessary effort to fly through school stopping only to collect awards and accolades, I lost interest. I deemed things as below me, or demeaning to me. I would not complete homework because I did not need the reinforcement. I would not prepare for tests, I would slack on papers, and sham through projects. I actually had a college professor tell me once that at 50% effort I was brighter than 95% of his students. With that said why then am I writing this blog as opposed to preparing my Doctoral Dissertation?(where at 25 I could have been, had max effort been put in from early enough in my school career) Well quite frankly because I always satisfied myself with the knowledge that I never needed to try. I always fed off the compliments of "oh he's so sharp" or "Oh he's so well spoken" or "Wow that guys is smart" never having anything to prove or support these things. I have sat by and watched people of(no offense) lesser intelligence earn degrees, and go on to great educational success, and all I could say is "Oh well both of us know I'm smarter than that person" however through much introspection I have discovered that I am probably the least intelligent person I know. Why, because I have not learned(well not until recently) how not to waste the opportunities I have been given. Now I am at a place where I am demanding of myself to produce. I am requiring that I procure the tangible proof of my intellect. I am doing everything in my power to remove this stigma of having no effort. I will press my nose to the grindstone and work to show the world simply that I can. The fact that I can now admit this and the effect it has had on me is my personal proof that I am ready to face this demon in my life. The Irony is that a single piece of paper(My IQ test results) told the world that I was a "genius" but the lack of another single piece of paper(A degree) is negating the first.

Even if I never reach my mountaintop it will not have been for lack of pushing. Salaam