Randy Couture

"The Natural"

Lovers of UFC will know exactly who Randy "The Natural" Couture is. However for those who may not here is some help. Ok up to speed now? Great well this post isn't about Randy at all(sorry if you read that entire bio) but about his in ring moniker. Ok I lied again its really more about the concept behind the nick name. The idea is that he is such a talented fighter, and has such a unique and athletic build that he doesn't have to try. Fighting simply comes naturally to him. That is what I am talking about, not fighting but acting natural. Things just naturally coming to you. In my case fitting in environments where others would not feel comfortable. Today I had a 1 o clock appointment with a certain Shera the assistant marketing director of The Whole Foods Market near to me. I am planning a little shindig(WTF does this phrase mean!?!?!?) for my birthday. So needless to say I was depending on a person who has no concept of time to get me there(I'm sorry I'm still tripping. Wouldn't having your shin dug into hurt like sh*t?) and needless to say we got there late. It was cool though cause it was only by about 3 and a half hours it was mad cool. I got there an clearly Shera had gone home for the day, but after being passed around for a while from employee to employee I ended in the hands of Vicki(stop laughing L!) who showed me the room I'd be using for my fucntion, and explained that it would look different because tonight they were setting up for a launch party(hmmm) for Edible Orlando Magazine(HMMMM) and that Shera would be there in a few, would I mind waiting(HHHHMMMMMMMM). Of course me being the patient(and currently hungry) soul that I am, I said sure. We go get in line and get some food, and on the way to pay I meet Shera. We chew the fat(I need to stop using these bizarre phrases) for a while and work out some details for Saturday. Now is where the fun starts, after Shera brings us the bottle opener we start in on our six pack and organic pizzas, and decide that not only are we being stared at(what no one sits in whole foods and drinks light beer?) but we may need to crash this launch party. The wine selection, the menu(watermelon gezpacho, goat cheese medallions, Fresh fruit), and the attendees(Vegan, Vegetarian, and Pescatarian women are sexy!) had a lot to do with this decision. Now I was all gung ho(here I go again smh) for it and had to convince my buddy to come along. See I have long believed that no one knows you don't belong somewhere unless you show them. People who sneak into VIP, or into a private beach, or whatever always have this nervous tenseness about themselves. I have a certain Je Ne sais quoi that blocks me from behaving as such. My friends have asked me numerous times, "ID how did you pull that off?" Simple, I acted like I belonged. I behaved naturally as if I owned the joint. I ordered my first drink for myself in a restaurant at age 17(I was a freshman in college ok!) and the waitress dare not ask me for ID after I requested a Ketel one Martini dry with a lime twist. I was too specific, I was too calm, I was a natural. So we finished our pizzas, and got up to use the bathroom. Which conveniently was located in the area where the party was(did they just give me an IN?) being held. We go inside and this dude still wants to leave. Well by then we are waist deep in the party and the crowd has converged on our preferred exit.I said "Look man they don't want us to leave" and so we stayed. Initiated a convo with the hired bands manager after I noticed the lead singer playing a Gibson(an acoustic masterpiece), I mingled, I even was the first one of us to sample the wine, and baller ass spread of fresh fruit(MANGO AND PAPAYA FTW!!!). I was being my usual relaxed, and natural self. I even spoke to the publisher of the magazine who personally constructed the guest list and had no idea who I was! I left with the inaugural issue of the mag, and a free copy(retail value $5) of the bands CD. How? Why? What? All because I acted cool, calm, collected, and most important Charismatic. It's just what I do, I don't even have to try, after all I'm a NATURAL.

Short Story Series: Vol. 1 Chptr. 2

"In Your Dreams"

The sound of Rachel's voice in the morning always brings a huge smile to my face. It has become as much a signal to the start of the new day as the brilliant rays of sunshine that sneak through the curtains on the wall of windows leading from the master bedroom to the balcony. Rachel calls me three times each morning, the first is my wake up call the, the second is my cue to brush my teeth and wash my face, and the third is to let me know its time to stop standing on the balcony in my boxers and get dressed to come down for breakfast. It was Thursday morning which meant pancakes. Fluffy in the middle crunchy along the edges, and delicious all the way through. "Banana nut this morning baby?" Rachel just gave me a smile and a kiss on my forehead. "eat your breakfast Virgil, besides a woman has to have some secrets" Rachel walked off, and looked over her shoulder at me seductively and I almost forget that Nicholas is sitting at the table eating also. In fact I was completely oblivious of his presence until I heard him begin to vehemently gag and gasp for air. I immediately sprang into action. Rachel was already in the bathroom and I went into panic mode, and my son was choking to death! I did the first thing I could think of and starting patting his back with all my might. "Dad, Dad Dad! you're hurting me" he was still grabbing for air but now it was in between bursts of laughter. "Son are you ok?" I stood there confused waiting for a response. "I'm sorry Dad, didn't mean to scare you but the way you and mom were looking at each other was making me nauseous" I could have knocked the boy through his grandmother's old china cabinet and right into the family room. Instead I just gave him a few healthy noogies. Nick was my pride and joy, he really was all of what was good in me. I loved Rachel and I's only son more than anything in the world. Unfortunately I could not spend all morning with my family. It was time for me to go to work. I kiss Rachel grab my coat and make for the car. The car ride to work always seems to clear my mind, and by that I mean I never seem to remember it. Or at least for as long as I have been having that nightmare. I don't pay it much attention, because before I notice it I am pulling into my spot at work. Yes my spot, one of the perks of being an executive Vice President. The handle of door to my office is cold , its one of those familiar feelings that just remind you that all is right in the world. My desk is cluttered with things from Nick, pictures of Rachel and me, even a set of those of gyro things that never stop swinging once you set them off. I love those things. The day begins and its non-stop action all day. I am answering calls, reviewing reports, delegating, and and dictating. Before long its one o clock and time for Rachel and I's daily lunch. "Honey you know I had that nightmare again" Rachel nearly drops her fork "Virgil every night for 2 years , I am scheduling to an appointment." The idea of going to a therapist is stifling. Neither one of us speak another word on the subject but I know one day this week I will be at the doctor. The rest of the day goes off without a hitch and like the drive there I never remember the drive home either. What I could never forget is the nightly family ritual. I get home to a vibrant young son, full of vigor and potential, a beautiful and spritely wife, and a hot delicious meal. The entire home is happy. We sit as a family and talk and laugh for longer than is necessary for dinner. After dinner we all retire to a bit of private time. I go over a few emails and do some reading until I can sense sleep pass across the home. I love being the last one asleep. it does something for the protector and provider in me. I make my way to bed and rest my head to the pillow. I am instantly asleep. The sun creeps through the blinds I have fallen asleep in my son's bed again. My body is saturated in sweat and my eyes burn as though I've been crying in my sleep. In fact I was and still am. The nightmare has begun again.

Nastradamus, The Mayans, Biz Markie?

Yes that Biz Markie. The man has been called a musical genius before, but it seems none of us ever understood to what degree. Keep in mind while watching this clip that it originally aired in the summer of 1996. Its almost eerie how prophetic Schoolhouse Rock and Biz Markie collectively were. Wait did I just actually type that sentence! *Runs to go repent and prepare for the apocalypse*

Hump Day Hotness

I once tweeted that I am a sucker for Jazz Singers, Poets, and Educators. I'm about to add musicians and medical professionals to that list soon though. I realized last week that my hottie selections could be viewed as slightly biased. It would appear that I have a lack of consideration for women of a darker hue. The ironic thing is that they are actually my preference. Now ask me how many of them have actually given me the time of day.....(save it ID) Nevertheless today's post will be a pair of chocolate women I admire.

Blogger's Note: The women I showcase on Wednesdays are women I admire not desire. They are also women who posses more than a physical beauty. Tashakor

Lauryn Hill

Lauryn Hill is probably one of the most talented women ever to walk the earth. She can act, she can sing, and rap, and write poetry, and play her instrument well(I use multiple ands for emphasis I know its bad grammar) She is a rare breed. Did I mention she is gorgeous? Oh yeah she is, even after mother 5 children. Take your pick from her career and her talent will be revealed to you

Acting: Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit

Rapping: The Fugees - Fu-Gee-La

Singing: The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill

Song Writing/Poetry/Instrumentation: MTV Unplugged No. 2.0

Danielle "DAO" Odom

Danielle, or Dao as those who know have come to call her. She is an Alumnus of the only HBCU in South Florida(shameless plug) which is Florida Memorial University(birthplace of Lift Ev'ry Voice And Sing) She is a musician, author, poet, and stylist(hair,nails, and make up) but most importantly a caring and inspirational person. She has counseled pre-college students and been a role model to all of them. All who know her speak highly of her innate ability to be the best friend they have. If you have a chance get her to read the poem "Mega Bites" a personal fave of mine

If God Is Willing And The Creek Don't Rise

The title of the new Spike Lee documentary film, and follow up to 2005's "When The Levees Broke"

In this 2 part documentary that aired on HBO on the nights of August 23 and 24th Spike Lee addresses the climate of post Katrina New Orleans from about 2007 to the present. He also includes an extensive look into the current and longtime effect of the BP oil fiasco. The film is purely the truth, from the mouths of those with authority to speak it. There is positive progress being shown, but the film also shows the yeoman's labor that is still necessary. It the kind of truth that is enlightening, empowering, and Infuriating. I am not sure when it will re-air but I will surely be glued to the TV again. Especially since I missed the first 10 minutes of the second part "Curses" *Mojo Jojo Voice*

Tuesday's Taboo: Peas and Rice!

Tuesday's Taboo Topic:

Cross Cultural Relationships

I know right now any Jamaican/Jamaican-Americans who might stumble upon my blog are looking at the title of this post as if it is a foreign language(they insist its the other way around.) I chose this as the title of this post because it goes right in line with a Facebook status I posted last Wednesday(August 18th) which was the precursor of this post. The status went something like "The key to successful cross-cultural relationships is the involved parties ability to come to one simple decision. How will we cook the rice?"

This one question seems comical, but in my opinion should be the biggest cross cultural issue that we have to deal with when it comes to being in a relationship with some one from another culture, ethnic group etc. I'm going to take a moment to put on my softest pair of shoes because I know I will be stepping on toes and I wish to minimize the damage done. Now yes I am speaking from the perspective of a black man who is open to to dating, or even marrying a woman from any cultural or ethnic group. I don't think any of those things should dictate how you feel about a person of the opposite sex(yes I went there) I will proceed to dispel what I feel are some of the most inane arguments against cross cultural/ethnic relationships.

1. "They won't understand you like a woman/man of the same ethnicity/culture would"

I have heard this one a lot, in fact and to my eternal shame I have even defended this stance. That was until I stopped for a minute and thought it over while having a conversation about urinating(with my girlfriend at the time) During the conversation she asked me why I didn't sit while urinating. She explained that all the men she lived with(Father, two brothers, older cousin) all did and she thought it was impolite of a man to stand. So me being me of course, had to defend my need, no dare I say my duty as a man to stand. I told her about how it was cleaner for a man to do so, and more naturally comfortable. This conversation ended but the disagreement did not, even after providing evidence from medical science stating that men are meant to stand(standing puts less pressure on the prostate) She could not understand still. It was not that she was unintelligent, in fact she was very much so. It was that her lens of perspective was altered by her life experiences and she could not focus on my point of view. I realized then that no human being could ever understand what it is like for another human being. It doesn't matter that we are apart of the same ethnic group, and our ancestors and perhaps even ourselves both experienced discrimination or oppression. We are inherently different persons and therefore will never be able to truly understand the effect it had, is having, or will have on one another. (advanced apology) Just because we are both black doesn't mean you understand the struggle or strife of the black man in this country (in progress apology) it doesn't matter if your grandfather, father, uncles, cousins, and every one of your 16 brothers are(were) black men you will never fully understand unless you are one yourself(in which case we won't be in a relationship{and furthermore you still wouldn't understand what its like to be THIS black man[post apology]}) Understanding what its like to be a man is something no woman has the capacity for and vice versa, no matter what the ethnic make up of either party

2. "You don't respect your mother by not being with a woman of her ethnic make up"

Okay not only are you ignorant, and incorrect but you are also extremely offensive. You have no idea the relationship Mom and I have so don't assume to know anything about it. *deep breath* Now I am not a parent but my opinion of them is that all(normal) parents only want their children to be happy, healthy, and some degree or interpretation of successful(in theory) I have never heard a (normal)mother brag about the ethnic make up of a child's spouse. I can't even imagine my mother's voice forming the words necessary to brag about the ethnicity of my spouse. It just sounds ridiculous. Now to the idea that marrying a woman of like ethnicity to your mother is some form of tribute to your mother let me point you in the direction of a great work by Sophocles entitled Oedipus Rex. I'm sorry the greatest tribute I can pay to my mom is to make her proud of me, and specifically in my case give her a granddaughter. Its certainly not marrying a woman that is exactly like her. That is perverse in the most profound way. Someone already married a woman like her, he is my father. Now in my case he stayed married to her, and reminds me regularly that she is his wife and I better get my own woman(his reply to me when I asked if I could take mom to the movies....I was 17) So you know what, I will listen to Dad. I will get my own woman, a woman I love and adore and want to marry, that is not my mothers replica(gross) and most importantly can help me give my mom a girl....smh

3. "You don't care about your people if you date/marry outside of your ethnic group"

This is probably the most troubling statement of this group. This I must admit is the one that has had the most effect on me. I have throughout life been considered to be militant, and quite the passionate activist and culture-centric individual. I agree with these opinions of me which has caused me quite a bit of internal turmoil. I have spent a lot of time considering the possible validity of this statement. It was not until the Inauguration of the first President Of The United States of African descent that I realized that this was an exercise in futility because this statement had none. It dawned on me that the spouse you marry has no bearing on the care you have for your ethnic group. Now because I am black(I despise the term African American for future reference) I am going to do a little picking on black people because its all I know(sorry) I was told by a female that I don't care about all the sistas' out there who won't find a good man because I am with some (insert any ethnic group) woman. At first I would think man I really need to lift up a sista' and show her what a good man is. Then I realized two things. First it is near impossible for an adult man to show an adult woman what a good man is if she has no point of reference to understand it. Meaning if her dad, or the men she with before you were not good men she won't understand or know how to receive you. Its not her fault or yours, it is merely the sad reality of how the brain works. There is a chance it will work though which brings me to the second realization. I am only one man. I can only effect the life of one woman, and I think I should be allowed to make that a woman that I both love and adore, and one who feels the same about me. Not merely one that "needs" me or one that will be benefited by me. I mean in a world where the global population gender ratio is 6 to 1 women to men its numerically impossible to "save" or uplift through a relationship every woman, unless we universally change our views on polygamy. I have come to realize that all that is required of me to love my people and serve them, is that I love my people and serve them. I don't think a young man in need of direction, and mentoring, or a young woman who needs a positive male example, or a big brother figure will turn down my love and servanthood because of the ethnicity of my spouse.

This is just my point of view and my piece. This is something I feel very passionate about. We all say we want unity, and love but this is the first step. What we practice, and teach our children is our future. If we practice and teach hate, there will always be hate and division. Salaam

Love is a practice of the heart, strangely there are no differences between them

MEDIA MONDAYS

Once again its Monday which means your mind is once again subject to the onslaught that is my opinion! I know I'm excited too. I am back to my normal format for this weeks post. I have a movie and a song that I will be discussing today. I also want to take a moment to give a shot-out to one of my twitter followers. I don't think she knows how much her kind words, positive feedback, and encouragement inspire and motivate me. You know who you are, thank you!

Ok before I begin this review let me establish a few things. First off let me explain my mid movie evaluation system. There are five categories that a movie can fall into after about the first 15-40 minutes. This being the minimal amount of time for even the slowest or longest of movies to establish identity.(at least thats how long I give them before checking out) During this period I will dish out one of the following categorical placements.(from lowest to highest)

1. "Can I claim this ticket as a business expense?"

Movies like "First Sunday" "Next Day Air" and "We Own The Night" fall in this category. This is reserved for movies so bad I desire to have the government reimburse me financial for enduring them. Some form of reparations are due me for the government not regulating the rampant filth film studios are allowed to distribute and the blatant lies they are allowed to tell! *Gets off his soapbox and puts down mic*

2."I should have gotten the large popcorn"

I love movie theater popcorn, with some(pronounced too much) butter on it. I mean like I seriously seriously SERIOUSLY LOVE the stuff. The smell is mesmerizing, I have considered just going to the theater for the popcorn and going home.(the manager gave me that same look before telling me I couldn't) I digress, when I go these days I always get the smallest size. Anything larger than a small(or kids in some cases) is too much popcorn for me to eat, and is too far overpriced. However a movie can be just bad enough that I wish for more popcorn so that the euphoric experience of eating it outweighs the pain of watching a poor quality film

3. "I wonder when HBO would have shown this"

Pretty self explanatory this one. The movie is mediocre and it reminds me of the fact that all movies at some point in their career end up on premium cable. Its not bad enough for me to desire to commit Seppuku but not good enough that I want anyone to know I saw it

4. "I would have gone to AMC for this"

This is the first tier of positive rankings a movie can receive from me. Regular movie goers know that AMC has become the MOST expensive theater to see a film at. I try my hardest to avoid paying a pound of flesh for a ticket and portions of my soul for snacks, but every once in a while there comes along a movie that is showing at a better time at AMC when I have gone somewhere else for economic reasons and said hey this movie is well worth the price of admission!(which is not literally a lb of flesh is more like 14oz)

5. "I MUST OWN THIS MOVIE!"

Yes I yell this phrase, not at full volume but loud enough to piss people in a 5-7 foot radius off. This is the Holy Grail of ratings. If a movie can make me say this, it is in a unique and elite club. In fact if I see about 30 films a year only 5 or 6 make it into this category.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

(Movie Based on The Graphic Novel)

Soctt Pilgrim Vs. The World was a category 5 hurricane! I should have realized the movie was going to be epic when the 8-bit version of the Universal Pictures intro came on the screen. The movie proceeds to intoxicate and inebriate you at every opportunity from thence forward. Its is visually striking, it is amazingly well written and well translated to the screen. The music is otherworldly...literally, its score could be the soundtrack of an awesome video game based off of an awesome movie that was based off of an equally awesome comic(wait o.0). Its is an amalgamation of everything that a nerdy person like me would think was awesome. Video games, awesome music, comics, anime, and even Bollywood films. It has smart comedy, over the top fight scenes, and an engrossing ambiance that has you feeling more like you are living in a comic more so than reading or watching one. Oh and the icing on the cake? Michael Cera and Jason Schwartzman deliver like Dominos! A definite must see

Kanye West feat. Jay - Z and Swizz Beats(and John Legend)

Power(remix)

Ok I am sorry If you are not, but I am a fan of all these gentleman. They are each a premier talent in their own right. They each have established their own brand and sound, so the three of them together are an epic song(at least on paper) However this isn't on paper it's on wax(well digi-wax) This is not a remix, its a complete re-imagining. Its not a song, its a musical event. Kanye and Jay are rebuilding the old Roc empire under the ruse of G.O.O.D. Music and this song is The Decleration of Independence, The Constitution, and The Boston Tea Party all rolled into 5 minutes of dynamic sound and voracious flows. I won't say anymore. I will let the music speak for itself. Are you sitting down?

Welcome Back!!!

I know a lot of students out there are preparing to start a new educational journey today. Whether it be a new grade, a new school, a new city(or state or country even) a new program, or a new semester. I want to take this moment to motivate and inspire you. The poem I am about to post was written in the midst of one of the most difficult times I endure during my first stint in college. I wrote from my struggles in an attempt to motivate myself. I hope the words have a similar effect for you. Salaam

When…

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to end it all

When you’re caught in a corner and your backs to the wall

When you spent your last dime and worked your last hour

When life’s handed you lemons and all of em were sour

When the bill collectors’ call and you got no words to say

When you wish they sold kneepads in six packs cuz how much you pray

When you feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on ya shoulders

When the stumbling blocks of life feel more like giant boulders

When you earned your last dollar and spent your last dime

When you wanna work extra shifts but just don’t have the time

When all of your options have completely run out

When the rain of Gods blessing are stuck in a drought

When you’ve run out of shoulders to catch all your tears

When twenty-four hours feels like twenty-four years

When you’ve given your all and fought your best fight

When it seems like things in your life will never be right

When you’re whipped and feel like you just can’t proceed

When all that you’ve got is less than all you need

When you hit rock bottom and all you can do is rise

When you realize that God still hears your cries

When you’ve taken the worst and felt the hardest hit

That’s when you give all you got and no matter what…

Don’t Quit.

Short Story Series: Vol. 1 Chptr. 1

"In Your Dreams"

I've been sitting at this desk for what feels like an eternity. I know that the clock is going to hit 5 soon and I will be released from this prison. They design these cubicles for minimal mental stimulation. The walls are high enough that even when standing you can't see your neighbors, and are made of a material that is impossible to tape, nail, tack, or staple anything to. The doorways all face the same direction so when you look out them all you see is the back wall of the adjacent row of cubes. The desks have no drawers. There are no phones, only one way information tubes for receiving assignments. There is a monitor, a keyboard, and a mouse. We have no access to anything on the computer except the program necessary to complete our daily tasks. The entire work experience is completely mind numbing. At last I am released, but can not even get excited because home life is more dreary than work. In fact if were were not so soul destroying I would never leave. I arrive home in a daze and my wife is home already. detached as usual. I walk past her cooking dinner in the kitchen and we don't even speak. I head straight to my office and pour myself a glass of scotch. It usually takes three glasses of scotch for my wife to be finished with dinner, and tonight is no different. The monotonous cello music playing is my summons to the table. I arrive every night to the sight of a woman, whose smile I've forgotten the look of consuming more chardonnay than meal. We speak no words as we sit and eat. I nightly rise from the table and leave her and the bottle behind me. Another 3 glasses of scotch and I am ready for bed. I don't even sleep in the same room with her anymore. Instead I walk down the hall and enter the room on the left. Its been 2 years but my 16 year old sons room still looks as though he were in it today. I keep it exactly the way he would. I even leave the fitted sheet ruffled in the corner of the bed that is against the wall the same way he would. His action figures lined up on the shelf, fresh tape on all of his posters. I even circulate the clothes in the pile on the right corner of the closet door. My nightly ritual isn't over until I stare at his picture on the cluttered desktop. I stare as if in an inebriated stupor until the tears well up. It is at this point the overwhelming burden of my mere existence becomes intolerable. I tear my gaze away and curl into a ball of despair. My head hits his old pillow and I am immediately asleep. I wake up almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. I have been having this dream everyday for the past 2 years. I have to see a doctor, as I am starting to become worried for my personal mental health. As I think this thought my wife Rachel calls out to me. "Virgil!" its breakfast time, and the memory of my dream is gone for the day once again

!!!Spotlight Fridays!!! Free Hugs Campaign

Free Hugs

So I am still gathering info about the campaign(if you know anything please share) and how exactly it began. I had the idea to do this with a group of kids from the church I was formerly employed with, but my Boss(the Pastor) was a closed minded twit. These videos are just a few that really stood out to me(mostly because of musical accompaniment) and impacted me. I am inspired again, so lay around for the FREE HUGS ORLANDO VIDEO!!!!

Hump Day Hotness

Hump Day Hotties!

A pair of beautiful women for your consideration

Today I am looking at older women. I have always found myself attracted to older women for some reason. I feel that women are like a fine wine. They gain beauty, mystery, complexity, strength, and of course flavor with age.

Celeb Hottie:

Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore has always been a beautiful woman to me(I'm a sucker for red heads), but something has come over her as of late that just has me going ga-ga over her. It seems that after appearing in "The Hours" she has gotten hotter and hotter. It all came to a climax when I saw her in "A Single Man" and "Chloe" in the same week. O.O sytem overload! You would be doing yourself a disservice by not checking out those films!

Girl(Woman) Next Door Hottie:

Maria Elena

I first encountered this hottie via twitter, and immediately said wow this woman is hot. I immediately thought she was maybe 22-25 but when I found out she was 30+ i flipped out. We grew to become friends I discovered that beyond her smile(not shown in this picture) her vibrant personality and sense of humor were here most attractive features. If you are on twitter follow her @PrettyGotUgly or check out her blog http://mariaelenamarin7.blogspot.com/

Tuesday's Taboo: Stop, Rewind, Play, Fast Forward....PAUSE!!!!

TUESDAY(today)'S TABOO:

PAUSE/NO HOMO

Ok so check it out right, a while ago the suits a Miller beers sat down with their marketing team and created perhaps one of the most influential ad campaigns ever. They placed several well known and apparently "manly" men at a square(because a table with out corners is womanly) table and tasked them with coming up with solutions to man problems in the form of "Man-Laws". Needless to say hillarity ensued. Little did they know that this commercial would launch the global "no homo" movement. Now enters the Hip-Pop community(real hip-hop though not dead is no longer popularly relevant) and many of its members blatant disregard for what all men would begin to refer to as man law. Therefore with necessity being the mother of invention, No Homo became its newest child. Behind the veil of "no homo" a rapper could, wear pink, go on a shopping spree, drink a fruity beverage, or even kiss a man in the mouth on television(shots fired!). Now how many average dudes want to emulate their favorite rapper? Almost all of them, and thus the "no-homo" movement grew and grew and grew. What men did not realize was that their battle against "homo" things would be much like medical sciences battle against the flu virus. The stronger cure medicine develops, ultimately the stronger virus they breed, in a paradoxical vicious cycle. Everything was now "gay". You can't speak or move, or do anything with out having to say "no homo". If you are into the music too much, if you are dancing too hard, if you have too long a talk on FB(via my Uncle), if you don't eat meat(pork specifically), if you sit a certain way, if you run a certain way, if you talk to too few women, if you talk to too many women, hell if you are not standing mean faced in a corner punching something while eating a live animal than you were gay. It was starting to get out of hand. This is where "pause" came into play(no pun intended). Pause was a way of policing each other when a "gay" action was or was about to be committed. If your buddy was beginning to or already had said something out of line you could "pause" him and give him a chance to "no-homo" the action or phrase away. Seems like a good system, but I am scared. I see where this is heading and soon, each and every action will be deemed "pause-worthy". As a matter of fact if you are a dude "pause" and no homo yourself for reading this post. You're not supposed to read this much stuff written by a man. Don't be mad at me I don't make the rules. I just follow them, and watch I bet I can predict where this trend is heading. just follow the buttons on the blu-ray if you can't pause and redirect, maybe you just need to "eject"

For Your Consideration:

The Complete and Unabridged Man-Law

1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it’s a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend’s home)

5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you’re not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.


13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

18. You poke it you own it.

19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"

29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.

30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let’s just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.

31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield).

33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

35. Women can't drive.

36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don’t agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support

39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

42. A man will not live in his parent’s house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.

44. Sex is more important then talking

45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it’s not their brand."

50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).

60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

61. A man purse is still a purse.

62. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy’s night out. this is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

65. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

67. No man shall wear a beret unless it’s for his military service.

68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.

80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Lacrosse, or Ice Hockey.

82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
2. Your date is using her teeth.
3. Anna Kournikova gets married.

86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monicristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).

92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).

93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)

94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friend’s birthday is optional)

104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.

106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter.