Tuesday's Taboo: Peas and Rice!

Tuesday's Taboo Topic:

Cross Cultural Relationships

I know right now any Jamaican/Jamaican-Americans who might stumble upon my blog are looking at the title of this post as if it is a foreign language(they insist its the other way around.) I chose this as the title of this post because it goes right in line with a Facebook status I posted last Wednesday(August 18th) which was the precursor of this post. The status went something like "The key to successful cross-cultural relationships is the involved parties ability to come to one simple decision. How will we cook the rice?"

This one question seems comical, but in my opinion should be the biggest cross cultural issue that we have to deal with when it comes to being in a relationship with some one from another culture, ethnic group etc. I'm going to take a moment to put on my softest pair of shoes because I know I will be stepping on toes and I wish to minimize the damage done. Now yes I am speaking from the perspective of a black man who is open to to dating, or even marrying a woman from any cultural or ethnic group. I don't think any of those things should dictate how you feel about a person of the opposite sex(yes I went there) I will proceed to dispel what I feel are some of the most inane arguments against cross cultural/ethnic relationships.

1. "They won't understand you like a woman/man of the same ethnicity/culture would"

I have heard this one a lot, in fact and to my eternal shame I have even defended this stance. That was until I stopped for a minute and thought it over while having a conversation about urinating(with my girlfriend at the time) During the conversation she asked me why I didn't sit while urinating. She explained that all the men she lived with(Father, two brothers, older cousin) all did and she thought it was impolite of a man to stand. So me being me of course, had to defend my need, no dare I say my duty as a man to stand. I told her about how it was cleaner for a man to do so, and more naturally comfortable. This conversation ended but the disagreement did not, even after providing evidence from medical science stating that men are meant to stand(standing puts less pressure on the prostate) She could not understand still. It was not that she was unintelligent, in fact she was very much so. It was that her lens of perspective was altered by her life experiences and she could not focus on my point of view. I realized then that no human being could ever understand what it is like for another human being. It doesn't matter that we are apart of the same ethnic group, and our ancestors and perhaps even ourselves both experienced discrimination or oppression. We are inherently different persons and therefore will never be able to truly understand the effect it had, is having, or will have on one another. (advanced apology) Just because we are both black doesn't mean you understand the struggle or strife of the black man in this country (in progress apology) it doesn't matter if your grandfather, father, uncles, cousins, and every one of your 16 brothers are(were) black men you will never fully understand unless you are one yourself(in which case we won't be in a relationship{and furthermore you still wouldn't understand what its like to be THIS black man[post apology]}) Understanding what its like to be a man is something no woman has the capacity for and vice versa, no matter what the ethnic make up of either party

2. "You don't respect your mother by not being with a woman of her ethnic make up"

Okay not only are you ignorant, and incorrect but you are also extremely offensive. You have no idea the relationship Mom and I have so don't assume to know anything about it. *deep breath* Now I am not a parent but my opinion of them is that all(normal) parents only want their children to be happy, healthy, and some degree or interpretation of successful(in theory) I have never heard a (normal)mother brag about the ethnic make up of a child's spouse. I can't even imagine my mother's voice forming the words necessary to brag about the ethnicity of my spouse. It just sounds ridiculous. Now to the idea that marrying a woman of like ethnicity to your mother is some form of tribute to your mother let me point you in the direction of a great work by Sophocles entitled Oedipus Rex. I'm sorry the greatest tribute I can pay to my mom is to make her proud of me, and specifically in my case give her a granddaughter. Its certainly not marrying a woman that is exactly like her. That is perverse in the most profound way. Someone already married a woman like her, he is my father. Now in my case he stayed married to her, and reminds me regularly that she is his wife and I better get my own woman(his reply to me when I asked if I could take mom to the movies....I was 17) So you know what, I will listen to Dad. I will get my own woman, a woman I love and adore and want to marry, that is not my mothers replica(gross) and most importantly can help me give my mom a girl....smh

3. "You don't care about your people if you date/marry outside of your ethnic group"

This is probably the most troubling statement of this group. This I must admit is the one that has had the most effect on me. I have throughout life been considered to be militant, and quite the passionate activist and culture-centric individual. I agree with these opinions of me which has caused me quite a bit of internal turmoil. I have spent a lot of time considering the possible validity of this statement. It was not until the Inauguration of the first President Of The United States of African descent that I realized that this was an exercise in futility because this statement had none. It dawned on me that the spouse you marry has no bearing on the care you have for your ethnic group. Now because I am black(I despise the term African American for future reference) I am going to do a little picking on black people because its all I know(sorry) I was told by a female that I don't care about all the sistas' out there who won't find a good man because I am with some (insert any ethnic group) woman. At first I would think man I really need to lift up a sista' and show her what a good man is. Then I realized two things. First it is near impossible for an adult man to show an adult woman what a good man is if she has no point of reference to understand it. Meaning if her dad, or the men she with before you were not good men she won't understand or know how to receive you. Its not her fault or yours, it is merely the sad reality of how the brain works. There is a chance it will work though which brings me to the second realization. I am only one man. I can only effect the life of one woman, and I think I should be allowed to make that a woman that I both love and adore, and one who feels the same about me. Not merely one that "needs" me or one that will be benefited by me. I mean in a world where the global population gender ratio is 6 to 1 women to men its numerically impossible to "save" or uplift through a relationship every woman, unless we universally change our views on polygamy. I have come to realize that all that is required of me to love my people and serve them, is that I love my people and serve them. I don't think a young man in need of direction, and mentoring, or a young woman who needs a positive male example, or a big brother figure will turn down my love and servanthood because of the ethnicity of my spouse.

This is just my point of view and my piece. This is something I feel very passionate about. We all say we want unity, and love but this is the first step. What we practice, and teach our children is our future. If we practice and teach hate, there will always be hate and division. Salaam

Love is a practice of the heart, strangely there are no differences between them