Introspection: Transparency

Introspection Series: Volume II

Transparency

I have always been a fan of superheros. The lore, the mythology, the power were all so attractive to me. I loved finding out that the Flash was so fast he could vibrate the molecules of his body through solid matter.I was awestruck when I found out that the Green Lanterns ring has enough power to create an energy field the size of our galaxy, that the Silver Surfer can manipulate all forms of matter, that Jean Gray could simultaneously control the minds of every human on the planet that was not either a telepath or trained to defend against them. However with all the comics I read, and all the shows I watched there were always two superpowers that stood out as supreme to me. See the issue with great power is that the responsibility can be an oppressive burden. These two powers on the other hand at least in my mind represent pure, unbridled freedom. They are flying and invisibility. There are no limitations if you are not restricted by gravity, or can not be seen by the naked(or assisted) eye.

I've had to accept that God intended for man to fly(unassisted) he would have molded wings from the clay he formed us with. So that one is out of the picture however the science community is currently developing the technology to allow human beings to be invisible to surveillance equipment through the technology of light refraction suits. The wearers body would bend light around it making it impossible for any lens to pick it up. What I am trying to achieve is a more organic type of invisibility. I strive to have people be able to purely look straight through me. Absolute transparency is the goal.

Now I'm sure you may be wondering how is this possible(and perhaps even what this post is really about) for a human being, even if their parents are glass makers. Well the truest form of organic transparency is honesty. There in as the bard would say lies the "rub". You see I had this habit that kept me from maintaining transparency. I was a habitual liar. Now some folks are subconscious fibbers, and they may not realize they have spoken an untruth. Some are habitual liars ad know it as well as those they have a habit of lying to because most habitual liars are bad at it. I on the other hand was no ordinary falsifier. I was Mickey Mouse as The Sorcerer's Apprentice in Fantasia. I could literally recreate reality. I lied so often and so well that I may have actually caused some sort of rift in the time space continuum and altered the course of people's lives. I knew I had a problem, I knew I needed to stop, but when you are good at something, I mean like truly gifted(I was the Michael Jordan of lying) at it, trying to give it up can be as futile as asking water to no longer be wet. My father said of me once "He says things so convincingly because he makes himself believe them, and you have no choice but to follow suit." It was a sad but true commentary of me. During a period of deep reflection I came to realize that the majority of my lying came from a dissatisfaction with self. I have had serious self image issues probably since the entrance of child number 2 in the extended family. I had 4 years of spoiling where there were no other children around to distract from me, but with the birth of each new child(sibling and cousins) I felt like the love for me was dwindling and I was no longer special. I decided I would start to create a new me, a projection of who I thought people would want to see. No one saw me anymore, at least not the real me. They saw the me I had manufactured for them. A me that could manipulate them into loving me, a me that needed to manipulate himself into loving me. Love of self is a journey in my mind one that I started late, not because of upbringing, or lack of nurture as that was ever present, but because of poor self image and insecurity. I had to do something for I feared I would lose myself, and never have any Identity. I think back to the words of a young woman I have always admired. She was my college queen my freshman year and she told me once after witnessing me host an event and pander to the crowds desire to see "Host ID" that I knew who I was, who I wanted and needed to be, and that I should not allow people to dictate who I would be for them. Those words got buried deep within me in 2004 and would not sprout until maybe 2008 when I realized the validity in them. Since then I have striven to do nothing more than that. I no longer needed my lies because I was finally starting to love the me that I truly was. I apologize if you met me in a time when I did not know and love myself, and thus were exposed to my fallacious deceit. I apologize if I have not made amends with you if you stuck around long enough for me to change but were still unaware of my past misdeeds. Finally I apologize to every person I have mislead, hurt, betrayed, let down, or damaged with my lies, I long for retribution, and reparation if you will have it. I greet the day now with a renewed spirit and love of myself, overjoyed at the relief of this burden.

Salaam Tashakor

This is the look I'm going for. I know the tie is not my style but otherwise this is what I want you to see when you look at me.